Doubt Whispers

Jeremiah 17:7  But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

I grew up in a loving home with wonderful parents.  I felt very secure growing up.  My parents encouraged me in my musical pursuits and I became a confident musician and person.  I was blessed to grow up in such an environment.

It was later that I began to doubt myself.  After I was married for about a year, I had a miscarriage.  I was very disappointed and afraid of what this might mean for my future.  Would I ever have a family?  At the time of this first miscarriage, my husband was realizing that his newly started career was not what he wanted from life.  He left his job and went back to school to get a degree in education.  So, I went looking for a job.  I was blessed with a wonderful opportunity to teach music at a local elementary and middle school.  I was offered the job just ten days before the start of the new school year.  It was a wonderful answer to prayer.  My husband would be able to pursue a new path; I would be able to financially support us while he was in school.

After life settled down a bit, we decided to try again to grow our family.  Soon I was pregnant and very excited.  I went for an ultrasound to determine how far along I was.  It was the look on the ultrasound tech's face that told me that something was wrong.  She left the room and returned a few minutes later with the doctor.  The results were "not normal."  Not normal...what does that even mean?  I didn't know what to think or what to expect, but the doctor explained that I would probably experience another miscarriage within a week's time.  The very next night I found myself in a hospital emergency room, weak and in pain, and no longer pregnant.

I began to doubt that I would ever be a mom.  But worse, I began to feel that maybe I wasn't good enough to be a mom.  Six months later another miscarriage brought me to a crossroads.  Would I turn my back on God, or would I trust in Him, even through the hardest of times.  I remember praying that God would help me to accept His will - whatever it may be.  If I was to be a mom, or if I was to remain without children, I would use my life to glorify Him.  Whatever His plans were, I would choose to rejoice in my blessings.

The very next month I was pregnant again.  My beautiful Anna was born and over the next few years I would have another daughter and a son.  It's hard to remember a time now when I didn't have kids.  Life is busy and sometimes a little crazy.  Those doubt whispers continue to call to me, even now.  I doubt my parenting abilities.  I wonder if I'm doing the right things for my kids.  I worry and fret about their future.  I need to put my trust in God.  He still has a plan for my life and he has a plan for each of my children.  When I put my trust in Him, I can be confident that He is working in my life.  I can let go of my worries and rest in His peace.  It isn't always easy to let go and trust God; it's something I have to practice every day.  And as is the case with most things, trusting in God gets easier with practice.